Shortly after witnessing the most touching wedding I’ve ever seen, I feel the need to decompress. Since I am not a crier (see previous post), writing is a great way to organize thoughts and work through emotion for me. And since a wise aunt reminded me of that when she asked if I would be posting on the subject, here it is.
But let’s go back from the wedding day just a little.
A few weeks ago I did a blog/post entitled Tips for Future Brides. This represented the hard part of wedding planning. Some difficulty is inherent to the process since it involves more than one or two people, naturally there will be different opinions, ideas, etc. And although it was tempting to use the “well I’m paying for it” excuse to get my own way, it turns out to be worth it to attempt to accommodate others’ preferences or opinions because there are a lot of people needed to see our many plans come to fruition.
So what I’m saying is, when all is said and done it won’t matter all that much if every small detail goes the way you wanted. As long as the bride and groom themselves have the elements that are most important to them then relationship and family harmony are more important than one particular detail among thousands that when connected in a string actually become a wedding day.
The week before the wedding feels a little like a marathon. I made lists within lists within lists and worked my way diligently through them, calling in reinforcements when necessary. I’ve always known when I attended a wedding that considerable work was indeed done before culminating in the magnificence of the day. But since my own mother did so much of the heavy-lifting for my own wedding (a fact which I need to show more gratitude for), it was not easy for me to break down in my mind just how everything on the big day was accomplished. Like individual cells making up a living creature, the details are often so small they can’t be seen with the naked eye. Our beautiful aisle markers for example, whose charm (I think) was owed partially to their apparent simplicity, evolved over weeks. Testing different types of ribbon to determine what looked best, ordering it in bulk, figuring out how to tie it so it was not to full but not too flat, measuring and cutting 4 dozen long strips of ribbon and coating the ends with fray check to avoid any dreaded unraveling, ordering babies breath in bulk from a wholesaler and dividing it into 24 bundles and securing each with a string, and practicing the technique used to secure them to chairs. Finally, all these contributing elements must be neatly packed and labeled so that we could make a mad dash to the chapel at 6 am of the wedding day for assembly. This is actually one of the smaller projects but perhaps gives some insight to what real wedding planning looks like. It’s not just going to bridal shows and sampling cake (although that may be more how is looks from Christian’s perspective since he was nice enough to do that part).
But there is another side to the craziness. The amusing “ribbon cutting party” with my sister and niece for the aforementioned aisle markers, or the long, discussions with Mallory (and sometimes Olivia) on the merits of gerbera daisies over roses or the frantic search for the perfect cupcake tower. Since I tend toward the positive, I was able to find some fun and excitement in everything (well maybe not EVERYthing). Very few hours have gone by in the last few months that I wasn’t thinking about what needed to be done. Having Siri add tasks to my countless lists while driving or googling the best way to do this or that while at home, the wedding seemed to take over my mind many days. My goal was to have about 98% of everything done by the time the first out of town guests arrived on Friday afternoon, and I (mostly) reached it.
Because we had chosen to have the wedding on Memorial Day (a Monday), we had a long weekend of activity and events with cherished family and friends who freely gave of their time. We received puzzled looks from a number of people when first hearing the ceremony would be on a Monday. As it turned out, this was undoubtedly one of our best decisions and I would do it again without hesitation. It began as simply a way to get the venue at a 71% savings over the Saturday rate, but the greatest benefit resulting from it was the time it gave us before the wedding day to enjoy family and friends and celebrate fully. The wedding day is stressful for the ones in charge of it – there’s no way around that, no matter how much you delegate. But the days before are much more relaxed and gave us time to be with all of those people who are closest to us.
When the wedding day came I felt really good. I was ecstatically happy because Mallory and Graham were getting married and also because of the magnificent time we had had in the days leading up to it. Although I had to get up at the crack of dawn and start decorating the chapel at 6 am, I was really energetic and jubilant. My mother, my sister Cara, sister-in-law Kim, and best friend Adrienne were also up to the early morning challenge. I felt a little like it was a game to see how fast (and how well) we could decorate the chapel. All those hours of planning paid off when we efficiently whipped the chapel into shape. What could’ve easily have been a 3 hour job became a 90 minute accomplishment as a consequence of intense preparation. Mallory even showed up unexpectantly. She had been a large part of the prep work and wanted to see the finished product. My mom’s friend Vivian showed up and saved us with the draping of the arbor with her own special creative flair which the rest of us don’t seem to possess. I hurried back home to shower and get dressed so I could make it to see Mallory and the bridesmaids get ready.
Pictures and video were captured of the final preparations and we were off to the Ivy. A sweet first look moment between the happy couple and pictures for the parents and wedding party before the chick-fil-a boxes showed up for lunch. It’s amazing how the wedding party (the male half in particular) were energized when the food arrived. That was definitely a good choice. The biggest surprise of the day came when guests began arriving ONE HOUR before the ceremony! I had no idea some people turn up so early for a wedding. Some last minute pictures and then to wait in the brides room for the moment of truth!
All our hard work, hours of planning, money and preparations came down to these few moments. And what moments they were. The ceremony itself was incredible. Kevin and Adrienne performed the best wedding ceremony I’ve ever witnessed. Yes, I may be prejudiced here but it was fabulous. Far from feeling the threat of any tears, I was smiling so big I felt a little like the joker in Batman. A few times during the ceremony I frowned big on purpose to relieve my aching cheeks.
And just like that, they were married. This was the end for which we had labored, it was the ultimate goal of hundreds of hours preparation and almost $20,00 (I’m never sure why some people treat this as top secret, it’s a simple matter to get prices for all the things at a wedding. And we were on the very low end of weddings nationally which I am pleased with!) But the sheer happiness I felt made it all worth it.
The reception brought a deep sense of satisfaction at the successful completion of a huge undertaking and was delightful. But it was also a blur. Before I knew it, I looked down to see my watch read 5:15 and Mallory and Graham were leaving. I’ve never experienced time passing at warp speed in quite that way. Clean up was not bad and we were off. Loaded to the teeth with various decorations and leftover food which would lie in piles around my house for longer than I’d like to admit.
So on to real life. What does it look like to be the mother of a wife?! Or to make me feel even older, a mother-in-law! The thought occupied my mind for the next few days. I remember as a young wife noticing dynamics of different relationships. I’ve always made a sort of hobby of examining relationships between those around me or between myself and others and noticing the effect on the parties involved, and asking myself if it could be made better and how. (Yes, my head stays pretty busy, you should probably be glad you don’t live there.) Of course being a party to a relationship and simply watching other people relate to each other is a totally different thing. But my careful observations have made me be more intentional about many things in my life that I may have done differently (and probably not as well) otherwise.
So here is what I already notice about being the mother of a wife. That vile little demon of selfishness who I’ve fought off in the past was back for the occasion. He whispered in my ear that I would need to compete for the newlyweds time. He whispered that I should feel jealous of anything Mallory did with her new family and that I may have to resort to manipulation and words or tears meant to invoke feelings of guilt and pity to retain Mallory’s time and attention.
But here’s where my endless self imposed study of relationships saves me. As we’ve all seen and maybe experienced ourselves, these tactics may work in the short term but will only create distance and resentment in the long term.
As the relationship experts of 38 Special tell us
“Just hold on loosely
But don’t let go
If you cling to tightly
You’re gonna lose control”
And it’s just this concept, or rather this illusion, of control that we’re after. But while we may be able to control a small child, we have absolutely no real control of an adult child (otherwise known as simply – an ADULT). Sometimes I forget that those days of control have been over for a long time. I can’t (and shouldn’t) tell them what to do. A good relationship (based on holding on loosely) will allow for advice from me and often even for the seeking and/or following of my advice by said adult child (always a pleasant surprise to me). But I raised them to think for themselves and I have to honor that. Maybe it’s the positive bent to my personality that makes me hate manipulation and it’s evil cousin ultimatum, which are meant to get one’s own way through the placing of guilt. I am thoroughly repelled by this, and those who know me very well know that I will even do something I don’t want to in order to defy an ultimatum.
So once again, I have to tell that monster of selfishness to get lost and just go about my life as I’ve been doing since my children went to college. Loving them and trying not to put any pressure on them to do only what I want. I desire to create a loving two way friendship between two adults who spend time together because we enjoy it and not because either of us feel like we “should”.
Does that mean I’ll never feel hurt if they don’t do something I want? Of course not, I’m only human. But I’ll do my best not to let them know it and to trust it won’t always be that way. I’ll always seek to remember that I am so happy for Mallory to have this whole new great family to be involved with, as well as for me that I have this whole family to count as friends. I am forever grateful for how they love Mallory and I hope her relationship with them flourishes over the years, just as we purpose to grow our already wonderful relationship with Graham over a lifetime.
The most important thing is to remember none of this will be accomplished through the all too common tendencies of manipulation, competition or jealously. More than anything I want to be able to only add more love, and never misery, to the incredible love Mallory and Graham have. The vow I made to myself as they stood in that chapel and made their heartfelt vows to each other was this:
I promise to never make anything hard on them (as far as I can control that). I promise to understand when they want or need to spend more time away from Christian and I than I may desire, and to trust that there will always be more than enough time and love to spread around. And I vow to unceasingly remind myself that holding on loosely (but never letting go) will always be the better choice.
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