Yes, as of this week both of my children officially moved away to college. Yet another milestone to add to my collection. Really, I am weary of milestones. In the past 2 years (since my oldest graduated from high school) my life seems to be made up of one milestone after another punctuated by small stretches of “normal” life. And now as we come to one of the biggest milestones of a parent’s life, I find it distasteful. Now it’s not the milestone itself I have a problem with, both children going off to college and moving away from home is a natural thing that we have  been expecting since they were born (after all, nobody is happy is they NEVER leave home). My argument is with the title bestowed on us on this momentous occasion, EMPTY NESTER.

I think this is perhaps the worst description given to any phase of life. Over the past 25 years I’ve worn many labels as a Mom- new parent, school volunteer, room mother, chaperone,  coach, and homeschool supervisor (only to name a few). I can handle any of these monikers, they are descriptive but not negative. But now I am coming to be identified as an “empty nester.”

In the same breath that my daughter is wished well at her high school graduation, said well-wisher turns to me and says “oh, and you’ll be an empty nester, how are you going to handle that?” Here’s my problem, we tend to just neglect to mention to the high school graduate that in the next year they will probably deal with some measure of homesickness, social awkwardness, terror at taking college level tests, lack of money, and/or smelly dorm rooms (and subsequent realization that they have to do their own cleaning and laundry). And we do this because we don’t want to scare them, we know  that there are lots of scary things about the first year of college and being away from home, but we want to focus on the positive (and there will also be lots of that). We say, “this is such an exciting time for you”, and “I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you in the years ahead”, and “I know you are going to do big things”. That’s great and we definitely should be encouraging, but why do we then turn around and focus on the negative for the graduates’ parents? This can be an exciting time for me too! I know I am not supposed to say that, it makes me sound like a bad parent, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I already miss my children. There is no denying that fresh shot of pain I feel every time I realize they won’t be home today. (And I completely empathize with every parent in this situation). But sadness is natural when we finish a chapter in life we have dearly loved, we must discover how to best deal with it and begin the process of moving on.

Personally, the fact is that I am ready to embrace this change and make the best of it. Just like it will do the college freshman no good to sit around and wish they didn’t have to clean their own toilet, it will do me no good to sit around and wish my children were still young. Because that is the crux of the matter. It’s not just that they are going to college, what we really hate is the fact that they grew up at all. It’s not necessarily the beautiful, intelligent young women who are my daughters that I miss the most. I miss the little girls who ran to jump in my lap when their feelings had been hurt, the little girls who wanted me to watch them jump of the diving board or practice their dance for the recital because their sense of accomplishment came through the strength of my approval. But now I’ve done my job, they know their accomplishments don’t depend on anyone’s approval of them, I’ve taught them that and now I must let them live it out.

The question I can’t help but ask is, why are we so resistant to change? Resisting this change has become so common and expected that we may even think if a parent is not upset that their children are growing up and leaving home that their parental love is in question. We’ve been working for this outcome since the day we had children. We raised them to go out into the world and make their own way. So why is this positive thing come to have such negative connotations that it was given a negative title? Empty suggests the lack of something, but I don’t’ lack anything. I have been preparing my children for this. And now that it is here I am excited for them, how can I regret it?  Do the years go too fast? YES! Is there a way for me to slow them down? NO! And I have learned (the hard way) that trying to hold onto something that is over does not work. Not only does it not work, when our focus is on what is in the past then we are in danger of missing the excitement and adventure waiting for us in the next chapter. Because no matter how hard it is to turn the page of a finished chapter, I know from experience that there will be unexpected joy in the next chapter as well. And the present is the only place I can truly find joy. Memories are invaluable and precious, but the present moment is the only place I can live.

I don’t believe I was always so good with change, but I have probably experienced more change in the past 5 years than I did in the 40 years before that. Much of that change was obvious, but even more was internal- the kind really only God and I know about. And He taught me in the midst of the hardest changes of my life to look forward and not back. The hard part is that going forward means enduring the pain (albeit temporary) of turning that last page of a chapter you absolutely loved. But the payoff of fully living in the new is always better than trying to linger on that last page.

The quintessential question that all “empty nesters” get is “What in the world will you do without any kids at home?” I find that question a little funny. I seem to remember stern warnings when I was pregnant with my first child that I had no idea how children were going to disrupt married life as I’d come to know it. No more romantic dinners, no more sleeping in on Saturdays, and no more spur of the moment dinner dates alone or with friends. I often think of these (all too true) warnings I got 20+ years ago, and so now my answer to what I’m going to do is; romantic dinners, sleeping in on Saturday, and spur of the moment dinner dates (either alone or with friends). Sometimes the recipient of my answer (which I always frame in a positive way)  almost  seems disappointed that I didn’t mourn for my children’s presence or lament that my husband and I don’t know each other anymore without children. But I am only being honest. There are freedoms we made a decision to forgo for 20+ years when we had children, and it was worth it 100 percent! But now we find ourselves in the same position as when we were first married, learning a new daily routine and a new dynamic in our home.  And we are no more hesitant to dive into this new change than we were as newlyweds.

So I would appreciate everyone not using the negative term “empty nester” (because I’m sure cultural change is that easy;-). The question is what label should we use? (Because we are attached to our labels.) I have yet to think of a catchy term that describes it. Maybe “graduate parents” or “successful parents” (although that one is not specific enough – you can be a successful parent long before this milestone). I don’t know, maybe we can just be a happily married couple, maybe it’s time to take back a label that doesn’t refer to our children. Maybe we can accept that we are just “Christian and Gina” and that we are OK with not being connected to our kids in every label we carry. We are young (or young-ish) people who have years of adventure ahead of them, some of that adventure will involve our kids and one day grandkids, but some will just be us- and I’m really learning to be OK with that!